I often wonder if people get a bit annoyed at my gushy, lovey-dovey posts on Facebook & Instagram. I expect there could be some eye rolling, I am never one to dull down my emotions, which I know can be quite confronting for some people. And this morning after thinking about it for some time I decided to come clean...
For a really long time I was angry. I was negative. I resented the things I believed were missing from my life & the input that I felt I should have had from family members. I was not happy & I wasn't a good wife or mother. I felt stranded, trapped. This one thing that I'd always wanted, motherhood, made me feel so deeply unhappy. I looked around me & felt like everyone else was doing a much better job & I wasn't sure how I'd ever manage to measure up. I desperately needed a break, but despite missing my children like a limb the second they were gone, it never felt like enough.
I watched on as friends with local family received the help I so desperately craved & I became bitter. It seemed so unfair to me that we had no parents around to help out, to help us raise & reinforce love when I seemed to be lacking it. I wanted back up & I was anxious, depressed & struggling to make an effort to change the downward slope of my existence.
After seeking help using all the resources I did have at my disposal, I started to notice a change. Not just in myself but in how I related to my kids & even my Husband. I suddenly saw the sun for the first time in a long time. My muddied lungs cleared & filled with fresh air & suddenly I felt like maybe I could be the Mum I was meant to be. It wasn't an easy time, there was major soul searching involved & I had to get to know myself in a way I never had before. It was hard work but I damn well dug my way out. I proved to myself that I can totally do this!
Since then I made a decision to be as positive as I could about the things I was most grateful for, & when I looked around, I realised I had so much. And I want to be vocal about those things. I want to brag about my Husband. I want to be openly proud of these two amazing girls we're watching grow & develop. I want to show off this new baby bump, the one I never expected to see. I want to be crazy about my life, I want to promote thankfulness & love & emit vibes of pure happiness. Because being bitter & sour is so draining. It's not living, its existing.
I don't want to tone down my joy, or the things that make me happy, I want to celebrate all the things that give me joy in this lifetime. I need to. And sometimes you just have to embrace your crazy, chaotic life & learn to love it.
If you're struggling to get your mother Xena on, stop what you're doing right now. Put down your phone or your life-drainer & take responsibility for yourself. Make the changes you know you need to make to leave those trenches behind. Be your own saviour & stop waiting for someone else to rescue you from your sadness or situation. I don't say this to offer you tough love, I say it to you like this because sometimes we need to love ourselves enough to save ourselves. Sometimes we need to be our own damn warrior.
October 26, 2016
October 24, 2016
February 23, 2016
I stopped because I couldn't get the words out of my head, through my fingers & onto a page. I had ideas, I just couldn't motivate myself to bring them out.
I stripped everything back. Took away all the past bits that might influence me & decided to start all over again. Fresh, new... NEW!! I'm not who I was 12 months ago. Well I am, but I feel different. I have a strength now that I was missing back then. Parts of me that were hurting have found a level of healing that has enabled me to push forward. I've been on a journey of self-preservation. Because quite simply, I am worth fighting for, no matter who disagrees.
I am the Soul Bare Mama. I used to say I was Mama first, soul-barer second, but I've come to realise that I am actually by nature a soul-barer first & then a Mama. Without that important fact rectified, I am a little less myself, so its important for me to acknowledge that I am a person first & then my role within my household. Strip me of either & I am more of a shell.
In the past year, I have come to realise that the parts of me that might be too much for others, are actually okay. I have found peace with who I am (finally, its only taken 30 odd years). I can survive being a little messed up, a little bit odd or even emotionally unhinged. What I can no longer survive with is suppressing who I am to make others feel less uncomfortable. Trust me, no loss will be harder to bare than the one I've already dealt with on this journey.